Men Behaving Badly

December has been kicking my ass. Not in a “sneak up on me and whack me over the head with a shovel kind of way”, but in a very overt “hold still, this is going to hurt and if you move we’re just going to swing harder” kind of way. No apologies, just pain. 11 losing sessions in a row. Since I’m on a roll, I’ll drop this little stat. Chance of losing 11 consecutive sessions (based on my results this year): .0117%. For you fellow dorks out there, this is a 4 Sigma event but not outside predictable poker scenarios.

Anyway, that’s not the point, it’s context for the story. Another important note before reading on: this hand/post is not a bad beat story; I would not do that do you.

$2-5NL; $450 in front of me. Loose game, almost every pot is raised PF, lots of money on the table. Down $700 for the day from unholy beats; one in particular which I will not subject you to.

Back to the story. Hero has TT on the button. BB makes it $35, two calls, it’s on me. One of my favorite moves this year has been make it $135 in this situation with any two cards. It’s a break even proposition (75 attempts this year for net loss of $120, -$1 per) but it’s a great way to convince others you’re crazy. And I’ve already done it twice at this table and showed both times.

So, $105 in the pot and I make it $150. BB’s brow immediately furrows. Uh-oh. Now I’ll readily admit I’m not a “I’ve got your tell; you scratched your ear, I call” kind of dude, but I do know this is a pretty bad sign. Guys don’t give away this kind of information if they’re genuinely concerned. This is a relatively clear “weak means strong” type of tell in my book. In fact, the smart part of my brain is already sounding the alarm: Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Problem is, there are other parts of my brain. And on this particular day I'm using the term "brain" very, very loosely as a proxy for a mechanism that has the possibility of coming to intelligent conclusions.

Now he pushes all-in with a shrug, like “well, not really sure what to do, I guess I’ll bet a thousand dollars.” Come on. The other two guys have basically folded out of turn so I'm free to react to this move outloud and do because I’m running THAT BADLY this month and lost my composure a week ago. I make a very frustrated comment that sounds a lot like “Oh, yeah, you were confused for a minute but now you realize that two Kings is a pretty good hand.”

Let me repeat that. I say two Kings OUTLOUD. (And yes, this gentleman has two Kings.)

Then I go in the tank. I’ve got $300 left, pot is now $525 or so. The alarm is still sounding (Whoop! Whoop!) but I begin the process of desperately trying to justify a call:

Maybe we (the devil and angel portions of my brain have started a debate) have odds to call even if he has an overpair.
(Nope: spend $300 to win 20% of $500 in the LR)

Maybe he has AK!
(Come on.)

We’ve already got $150 in the pot!
(Try again, we’re better than that)

So I’m just sitting there trying to figure out how to rationalize walking out into traffic. Then disaster strikes.

Devil: He bluffed last week!!
Angel: Shit. I remember; you’re right.
Devil: We’re calling!
Angel: Shit.
Devil: Count out $300!
Angel: Shit.

That’s now it happened. My buddy next to me summed it up perfectly; “if you weren’t running so bad, you fold immediately.” It’s true.

Why is that? I don’t really know. I can fold in that situation. EASILY. I’ve done it many times. But I didn’t this time. I didn’t trust my own instincts even after I said he had kings OUTLOUD. Why? Please send comments to : yes_chuck_you're_an_idiot@gmail.com

Very frustrating.

Somewhat changing subjects and to end on a positive note, I’ve been tracking “calling all in” events this year. My first 16 times resulted in a loss of $4,340. I identified this leak and scolded myself. Have you seen the scene in DaVinci Code where Silas beats himself bloody? The last 17 have been a profit of $1,015. $5,000 leak plugged. Check.

Last week of course the tally was 16 for $1,465.

Sigh.

Could you have gotten away from this hand?

A very rough weekend. A number of suckouts, one for a $2,400 pot in which I had the best hand AND the redraw on the turn and lost to a straight. This is poker, but the victory lap and shouts of "SEND IT" did not help my disposition. Oh, and then there’s the brush letting a drunk college kid walk out the door with his chips after calling an $784 all-in. He just didn’t pay.

Brush: “Well, what could I do?”
Me: “HOW ABOUT CALLING SECURITY AND MAKING HIM PAY?!?”

But I digress.

Here’s the substance of today’s lesson. I broke two tried and true rules today.

1) Don’t go broke with top pair
2) Don’t call all-ins unless you’re hoping they go all in before they do

Those are the rules. They're called rules for a reason.

Here’s the hand.

$2-5NL. Hero has AK in early position and raises to $25. 4 callers. Pot: $125.

Flop: AT5, two hearts.

Hero checks, MP1 bets $40, fold, fold, button calls $40, Hero makes it $140. My $140 is the “find out early” bet. If MP1 raises me, I’m done with the hand.

MP1 just calls $140. Button goes all-in for another $170. I have him on a draw all the way; he's the "any draw" guy. (You know this guy; he never BETS them; just calls with them.) I CALL. Now MP1 goes all-in for another $105. I’m sure I’m beat now, but what can I do, fold? I call.

MP1: Set of 5s.
Button: KJ of hearts.

Turn and river are bricks, MP1 takes it down.

Could you have gotten away from this hand?

Big Hand

Well, I’ve got to record the big hand for posterity. I won my biggest NL pot and had my biggest night ever (NL anyway) on Sunday. Here’s how it went down:

$2-5 NL; I’m sitting on about $2,000.

65 offsuit; middle position. (I know. It makes it that much sweeter.)

5 players see the flop: 532

SB bets $25, BB raises to $50, I call, button calls, SB calls. Pot: $225.

Turn (532): 5

I figure this a card that could easily get me in trouble. Anyone calling with top pair is now getting ready to turn me upside down and shake me like a money tree.

SB now checks, BB bets $75, I call anyway because I'm terrible :), button calls. SB folds. Pot: $550. I figure I need my straight to win.

River (5325): 6. Or a full house.

BB bets $175, I raise to $350. Button makes it $800. Woa. I did not see that coming. But Mikey like. BB folds immediately.

Dealer pulls in my $350, leaving $450 to call. I really don’t have him on a hand at this point, but I know I’m winning. Or at least I’ve concluded that if he has 66 I’ll have a good bad beat story to torture my friends with.

I finally decide to bet $1,000; I’m pretty sure he’s going to call whatever I bet. I might have gotten an all-in call ($1,500 or so) but I don’t want to push my luck. So I pick up my stack of blacks and start doling out $1,000 in stacks of $300.

$300, $600, (MAN this is fun) $900 ... then I don’t know if I wanted to round out the stacks or it was just that much fun betting black like I was back playing 3-6 raising to $12, but the next thing I knew I’m thinking “fuck it, bet all $1,200.” So I did. He thinks for a minute and calls.

I don’t know what he had; he said he flopped the nut straight. If he did, he slowplayed himself straight into oblivion. Not that we all haven’t done that about 1,000 times.

I had to get up and walk around to stop the impending stroke. You should have seen this pot. Debbie was there and said it was the biggest pot she'd ever seen.

It didn't suck at all.


P.S. You know what he said?

NEW RULE

I’m officially playing any pocket pair, for any amount, at any time.

Get a load of this:

$2-5 NL. Preflop raise to $55, I've got pocket 2s, one other caller (behind me).

Flop: AT2 ($300 goes into the pot. Total pot $450)
Turn: T ($1,000 more goes into the pot)
River: 2 (Everyone goes all in. Total pot $2,700)

One guy has AT (Tens full of aces)
The other guy has KT (Trip tens with top kicker)

I would have had QUAD DUECES

BUT I DIDN'T CALL THE $55.

The Two of Hearts – My New Secret Weapon

It’s been a while since I posted a hand but I’ve finally got one that’s blog-worthy. After you’ve been playing for a while they all seem like bad beat stories or the “my full house was bigger than his full house” type, neither of which are all that interesting.

Anyway, I’m sitting on about $750 at the $2-5NL table at 4AM and I pick up 72h on the button. 8 people are in for $5 before it gets to me and before I know what's happening, I raise to $30. My conscience wakes up from his snooze and starts berating me, but it’s too late; the money’s in the pot.

I’m now hoping for one caller so I can bluff after the flop. I get three. I’m pretty much chalking up my $30 loss to stupidity when I see 8h on top of the cards about to roll out. Before I could complete the thought “that’d be pretty cool if I flop something nasty,” there it is; 8h 6h 4h. I’m staring at the flop in disbelief and a seven-high flush is staring right back at me.

It checks around to me and I don’t know why, but I don’t bet it. I think my thought process was that I didn’t want to play for all my chips with a seven-high flush when the 4th heart hits on the river, but I did think my flush was good right then. I decide to see the turn first.

Turn (864): 3 (no heart). I’m betting this is a good card for me. UTG bets $100 thinking it’s up for grabs and the guy next to me calls. I make it $400. If you want a fifth heart, it’s gonna cost you three bills. UTG folds immediately but I can hear the gears grinding in the guy’s head next to me. I got caught bluffing a minute ago and he thinks I’m up to something.

He TURNS OVER pocket 5s with the five of hearts. So he’s folding. Too bad, too, because he’s drawing stone dead. Then he says, “I guess I’m folding, but you don’t have a flush, and I’m thinking this is good.” Now the little guy in my head that was berating me earlier is back in the game and starts rubbing his hands together. What can I do to get this guy to call??

I tell him, “Tell you what; I’ll show you one and you can even pick the one you want to see.” He turns and looks at me like my dog used to when I would say “wanna treat?” If he would have had floppy ears, they would have been sticking straight up. So I’ve got a chance. My thought process is that when he sees a heart, he’ll think I would never SHOW him a heart if I had a flush and it’ll induce a call.

He agrees immediately and chooses a card. It’s the two of hearts. Then he calls IMMEDIATELY. REALLY?! (he’s now all in). The river is irrelevant and I rake an $1,100 pot with 72 (but they were sooooted). Not too shabby.

I try not to laugh but a couple other guys do. I still have no idea what he was thinking and am surprised that it worked. I just figured he was folding and had to try SOMETHING.

Fun hand.

But who would have thought ... it figures

A month or so ago Hero flopped two pair.

The turn card arrived today. Third diamond; no waiting

"but who would have thought ... it figures.

"You know, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right...

"And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face....

Poker Bob

We're thinking of heading to Tunica next month and I can't think about Tunica without reliving my favorite Poker Bob story of all time which happened last time we were there.

For those of you who don't know Poker Bob (aka USA Bob), you obviously don't live in St. Louis and play poker. He's the guy in the gray USA sweatshirt.

Half of you just went "Oh, THAT guy."

I've always suspected his closet at home looks a lot like Fred Flintone's; one USA sweatshirt after another in alternate blue and gray tones. One time he got too hot and took off his sweatshirt. I came in, saw him sitting there, and thought "damn, that guy looks just like Bob."

The book on Bob: he has a knack of flopping the nuts and having guys flying into him. When he gets bored, he just hits the bad beat jackpot instead. He's not as tight as we all say he his but I like to say when he flops a full house, he thinks he's on a quad draw.

Anyway, Bob and I are in Tunica playing $2-5NL at the Horseshoe. Terrific place to play. I'm sitting between Bob and terrible player 347.

Flop: TT9. There's already quite a pot.

TP347 bets $100 and Bob calls immediately. I'm fairly certain I smell a monster.

Turn (TT9): 3. TP347 is getting excited and obviously has a 10. He bets $280. Bob tries to make the minimum re-raise to get the guy to call and begins twitching. I immediately begin wondering if he has a magic "4 tens" card giving him six tens but end up just giving him credit for flopping the nut full.

Bob is so excited he fucks up the min-raise math and makes it $660 instead of $560 and I know EXACTLY what is going on. Sitting right between Bob and his latest victim, my poker face is being tested like never before as I'm trying not to laugh out loud at Bob's good fortune and him trying to contain himself.

Now Bob peels back his cards to show me the T9 to "let me in on it". The single greatest insult to my intelligence in 31 years of life. I know, Bob; I KNOW. I KNOW!!!

I don't remember what happened on the river, but of course Poker Bob took every bit of this kid's money.

He left and was replaced with a guy wearing a shirt that detailed the definition of "Rounder" on it. Oooooo...scary. You know what, we're going to stay and play anyway.

I can dodge bullets?

What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.

Dodged a couple bullets last night at Harrah's. I'm playing really well, especially in the last month or so. But sometimes you need a few things to do your way; last night they did.

$2-5 NL. Loose table with four frat boys doing Jager bombs. Yeah; I know.

Only one guy, Kerry, knows what he's doing. He's extremely solid.

Our hero has AA in MP2. MP1 straddles for $10. I debate the situation but just call, hoping someone will help me out with a nice big raise. No luck.

8 players see the flop. That's trouble, and it gets worse. Flop: 987, two spades. Yuck.

Kerry (BB) bets $40 into a $80 pot and loose guy 1 (das straddler) calls. I decide to find out where I'm at and make it $120.

Frat guy 1 calls the $120 (well...OK) and frat guy 2 calls (what the...). It gets around to Kerry and he is not happy. He thinks for a while and shows the guy next to him the "monster" that he's laying down. I know that he just laid down the best hand.

Turn (987) 2. I'm hoping that both my new frat buddies are on a draw and go all in for $400. Frat guy 1 calls immediately (gulp) and frat guy 2 thinks for a while, tells me he flopped two pair. I tell him to get his money in the middle. He folds.

Frat guy 1 turns over QQ, I turn over AA, frat guy 2 yells "Fuck!", and Kerry loses it. He folded the bucket end of the straight.

River: K.
Pot: $1,300.
Ship it.

If you play long enough, it all happens

OK, I’ve been good up until this point but I'm going to have to ask you to indulge me in bad beat of the extreme variety. Please fasten your safety belt.

$1-2 NL, table is a little loose.

I look down to see TT in the SB. I raise preflop to $15, get two callers. Flop: KT2 rainbow.

I check, MP checks, button bets $30. I call the $30, MP goes all in for $130. Button raises to $200, I go all in for $330, button calls. Pot: $900.

At this point I cannot believe my good fortune. Then things IMPROVE.

MP turns over KT, so I've got to avoid a K. I can handle that. Then I almost laugh as the button turns over KQ, so these knuckleheads have each other's King and KQ is basically drawing dead. He even says: "I can't win". I feel like knocking their heads together three-stooges style and mumbling “ship it”.

QQ.

I consulted the pokerstove oracle when I got home: 92% favorite.